


can i trust you (when i tell you this)

by swoonzi



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Pining, idolverse, jihoon is scared, soonyoung is patient
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-26
Updated: 2016-12-25
Packaged: 2018-06-04 17:11:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 8,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6667246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/swoonzi/pseuds/swoonzi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>in which jihoon tries to put up a front, but it's okay because soonyoung knows.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> lyrics from this [song.](https://soundcloud.com/kayla-wilson-74/when-i-stopped-burning-myself)

—

_he says i can't trust you,_  
_you're too sweet._  
_you're supposed to be a person,_  
_not some delectable treat._

—

     jihoon enjoys driving at night. he doesn't mutter a word about this to the others, but it makes him feel at ease. earbuds tucked in both ears, warmth of twelve other males radiating throughout the van with a bustling city full of light enveloping millions miles and miles away. jihoon sways to the light and easy indie music that makes his eyes droop while seungcheol whispers that he doesn't mind if the other rests on his shoulder, but jihoon shakes his head and tells seungcheol to, “piss off.” this erupts laughter in the other males all except soonyoung, who's on the other side of jihoon. soonyoung pulls himself closer to mutter,

 

     “it's okay hoonie, i know you're tired. lean on me.”

 

     the nickname drops by surprise but it's two am and it would only be a wonder if the others didn't slur a word or two. he shouldn't take it so personally but he can't stifle a shiver. no one calls him that. jihoon wedges his head against the crook of soonyoung's neck anyways and says he's just going to close his eyes because, “you shitheads are giving me a migraine.”

 

     (soonyoung flashes a radiant smile because he knows jihoon doesn't mean it, after all, under such a busy schedule, who wouldn't want to sleep? when soonyoung feels the humming of jihoon's throat against himself, and listens closely for his deep breaths, soonyoung rests his head on top of the other, in total comfort; because jihoon tries to put up a front, but it's okay because soonyoung knows.)


	2. Chapter 2

_—_

_and this is is the part_  
_where i can sweep you off your feet._  
_but now i've lost both shoes,_  
_they're hidden, somewhere_  
_in your shit hole of a room._

_—_

     jihoon enjoys his studio, and this time he isn't afraid to admit. he takes pride in his miniature solitude confinement. it gives him enough space to think things out, and the soundproof walls are a bonus in case things become to much of a weight on his shoulders. what's absolutely a shame, however, is that the door to the studio doesn't have a lock. “it's a safety precaution. the state of our idol's health can be easily altered from the pressure put onto them.” it's self explanatory, but to jihoon, it's utter bullshit. however, it's useless to protest. an empty sigh slips out while jihoon continues to mix beats and add transitions to a song that shares no words; that seems like white noise buzzing in and out of his head.

     knocking off the head phones hugging his head, he groans in frustration and massages his temples and calls for a break. it's very useless to try to work now; with fingers unsteady from three energy drinks, and mind blanked with drowsiness. fuck, but the songs due in three days but as it is now, it really holds no meaning on trying to continue. just as jihoon's about to flip his shit, no ones around the studio at this ungodly hour anyway, he hears a creek in the door and jihoon swears he's never been more horrified in his life. tear droplets are already rimming his eyes, and reaching to hit the floor, and fuck, whoevers at the door will never let him live—

     “hoonie? you there?” jihoon stands panic-stricken; fuck, fuck, fuck. he isn't sure whether to feel reassured that it's just soonyoung roaming around the building, or feel petrified that it's just soonyoung. shit, he can't let soonyoung see him like this so with his best bold whisper, fists clenched, he retaliates against the door and tells soonyoung to, “fuck off. i'm busy.”

     “hoonie, can i see what you're working on? i'll behave. i can help.”

     “leave me alone soonyoung, go to fucking sleep. we wake up at six.”

     “hmm, same goes for you.” soonyoung hums and clicks his tongue in slight annoyance.

     “i'm working, you know how this works.”

     “you haven't slept in two days.”

     "i'm okay.” justice prevails as jihoon can't stifle his yawn.

     “mhm, sure.”

     “leave.”

     “i'm coming in.” and soonyoung slips into the messy studio, with nothing but a black wife beater and the black shorts (that jihoon thinks looks really good on him.) face sweaty from late night freestyle dancing. jihoon scrunches his nose in disgust,

     “what the fuck, get out if you haven't showered yet.” (he actually really likes the smell, it reminds him of productivity and the pungent air that made its way from the busan coastlines. he won't say that though.)

     “you sure about that hoonie?“ soonyoung's slurring again and it reminds jihoon of his father who gave good advice in return for a cup of soju. eyes beginning to show a pink hue lining his bags, jihoon turns away in faint embarrassment, in hopes that soonyoung doesn't notice.

     “yeah, get out.” jihoon can't help but say. he doesn't mean it but it slips out. soonyoung lets out a low snicker as he makes way to where jihoon is standing and playfully messes with the other's fingers.

     “fuck, your hands are cold. can you even feel them?” but soonyoung continues to mess with the pale skin anyways.

     “people with cold hands have a warm heart.” jihoon retaliates.

     “i doubt that.”

     “fuck you.”

     “my hoonie has a potty mouth, potty mouth, potty mouth~”

     “since when was i your hoonie?” jihoon can't help but cringe when hearing the nickname come out of his own mouth.

     “ever since i said so.”

     “hm, let it remain one-sided.” jihoon, still turned away from soonyoung, lets out a small grin.

     “i'll change your mind soon.”

     “it's two am, you're losing your mind.”

     “you make me lose my mind.”

     “go back home, soonyoung.”

     “not without you.” jihoon steers his gaze to the half assed beats glaring from his computer screen and decides he's not going anywhere with that anyway.

     “okay. but just because it's late and i hate your god damn whining.”

     “mhm, whatever you say hoonie. whatever you say.” and soonyoung leads jihoon out of his little prison, to home where jihoon knocks out before soonyoung can say goodnight.

     (soonyoung knows jihoon doesn't mean it when he tells him to fuck off, or to stay quiet, or to leave. it's all in his nature to be like that. soonyoung doesn't have to remind himself twice that he knows jihoon when he's about to break down in tears. he doesn't have to remind himself twice that jihoon was about to beat himself up before he arrived. it's lucky soonyoung decided to stay behind. what sort of friend would he be if he didn't protect jihoon from the endless self depravation he puts himself through every day? soonyoung wraps his arm around jihoon's small body frame and kisses his semi-swollen eyes in hopes jihoon doesn't stir. jihoon tries to put up a front, but it's okay because soonyoung knows.)


	3. Chapter 3

—

_and i can't decide..._  
_if this silence is because of me,_  
_or because of you._  
_please try to get to work on time,_  
_and do the things you're supposed to do._

—

     when soonyoung wakes up next to jihoon, smile plastered in place, jihoon wants nothing but to crumble. when soonyoung scoots over and caresses jihoon's hair and slurs,

     “g'morning hoonie,”

     it seems so strangely serene and domestic and full of love, so unlike any thing he's ever had... that when its been at least ten minutes since soonyoung has muttered a word after dozing off again, five am birds chirping, jihoon unwraps himself from the others long arms to tumble to the bathroom and weep. his cold hard demeanor receding back, replaced with an unhealthy insecurity hitting hard like the waves of busan's shores on stormy evening.

     (back in bed, soonyoung holds back from slowly making his way into the small restroom. jihoon needs room to think, and it's a little relieving in fact. to be able to listen to the soft sniffles that echo through the thin walls. proof that jihoon wasn't all just tough shit, even though soonyoung already knew that beforehand. jihoon tries to put up a front, but it's okay because soonyoung knows.)


	4. Chapter 4

—

_and i don't want to love you,_  
_the way that i used to..._  
_and i don't want to love you,_  
_i'm done being used to..._

—

     jihoon isn't lying when he says that he enjoys the feeling of makeup on his face. the process in which a professionally trained artist painting nice rosy hues on his skin makes him feel like everything's in order. jihoon is by no means deliriously self conscience but that doesn't mean that he can't appreciate the work that goes into what makes him look lively and oh so exhilarating on stage. of course, he doesn't admit this out loud. oh how the members would tease if they knew busan man, lee jihoon, stays nice and chipper when he gets his face touched up. at the moment, with a small concert in order to take place in a couple hours, jihoon holds still, basking in delight, allowing the makeup to cover what little blemishes he has while spacing out.

     however, mind out of place, he had to agree that the cherry lip tint that lined the inner bits of his lip acted as a cold patch that overlay and tried to seer away the warmth of the kisses soonyoung gave him on the forehead, trailing down to his lower cheek the few hours they lay in bed that morning; all drowsy and out of line, jihoon doesn't know how to feel about the way he thinks about soonyoung anymore. he decides a time off will do for them.

     he has a career that's hanging off his shoulders for himself and the twelve other males he's grown to be considered family to. he can't risk everything he's done. a small hiatus from a relationship between himself and soonyoung shouldn't rupture a dramatic distance too deeply. he needs time to mend himself back together to a more composed person, like he was before the days he spent caught in between his studio work and soonyoung's requests.

     jihoon doesn't mention how he doesn't want to stop his graveyard shift conversations with the other dancer as jihoon sits positioned at the edge of his working chair, leaving room for soonyoung who comes in basking in sweat droplets that make his complexion shine. jihoon will say it's just because the chair is too large for one, and that he knows soonyoung would complain about no other place to sit, but he really just enjoys the way the two male's legs feel against each other in an intimate way that makes jihoon's heart prickle. jihoon doesn't mention how he wants to share a bed with the other again, to wake up and share small eye smiles that over shine their deep set eye bags. it's just a short break, it'll be okay. jihoon saves the soonyoung thoughts tries forces them to the back of his head. he doesn't know where they came from in the first place.

     (soonyoung watches jihoon from his own place, hair being finely styled. he notices the crinkle between the others brows and frowns himself. jihoon is a bit unpredictable, but soonyoung knows that look. it's jihoon's “overthinking” look and it isn't a good thing. soonyoung reminds himself to gently massage jihoon's temples later. he heard it relieves stress. luckily, in a few minutes jihoon is back to looking calmly at himself in the mirror, his eyes being smudged with brown shadow. soonyoung wonders how a single stroke of makeup can make jihoon look so at ease, and so alluring. with muscles relaxed, and no sense of annoyance, it makes soonyoung feel relaxed himself; and without knowing, he finds himself smiling at what seems like nothing. jihoon tries to put up a front, but it's okay because soonyoung knows.)


	5. Chapter 5

_—_

_and can i trust you_  
_when i tell you this._  
_i'm afraid every single time_  
_that we kiss._  
_now you close your eyes,_  
_you're about to_  
_light me again._

_—_

     when night falls upon them, it's another synchronized routine of exhausted jihoon amidst a blank screen of flat transitions and messy beats. jihoon won't admit he looks forward to two am, when he remembers to drop the volume to a minimum and scoots over to the edge of his work chair as if he's always been sitting like that in the first place.

     jihoon won't admit he looks forward to two am when soonyoung comes into his studio, dripping in sweat that looks like a dewy glow. jihoon definitely won't admit he adores the way soonyoung dances with an empowering amount of force and emotion, yet his limbs manage to move with graceful fluidity. jihoon sees stars twinkling in the corner of his eyes. maybe it was pride, maybe it was tears. however, jihoon also recalls the previous hours where he remembers he has to put this to an end.

     time arrives per usual and soonyoung slips into the compact room in a drastic fall.

     "it's hot hoonie, do you have a water?"

     "soonyoung we need to talk."

     "hoonie, not now, in five. let me hydrate love." jihoon chokes.

     "love?"

     "hm? do you mind?"

     "soonyoung. we need to talk."

     "alright, alright. guess my health is for lat—" jihoon composedly reaches beneath him for a water bottle that seungcheol dropped off before he headed back to the dorms.

     "thanks, you always come through, my hoonie~" soonyoung coos and jihoon scurries back into his chair.

     "soonyoung you need to stop." soonyoung pauses his large gulps and stares dumbfounded at the other.

     "what?"

     "soonyoung i think i like you."

     "what."

     "i-" soonyoung freezes until his eyes crinkle upwards, becoming crescents. he's laughing and jihoon doesn't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but he's whipped. soonyoung reaches over to grasp jihoon's hand, and strokes his fingers for a couple of minutes.

     "jihoon i like you too."

     "what."

     "what to do mean 'what,' i like you."

     "you're lying.

     "nope."

     "i'm disgusting."

     "no you're not."

     "you're too good for me."

     "that's what you think."

     "i think i love you."

     "keep thinking until you know for sure that you're in love with me, because i know i love you."

     "soonyou—" jihoon finds panic arising to his throat, leaving dryness with no room left for a voice. soonyoung relieves his parched lips with his own, and it leaves him breathless.

     "i'm scared soonyoung. we're both boys."

     "it's okay. i don't care and i won't do anything unless you want me to. i love you, you know?"

     "continue—" jihoon mutters eyes looking down in a mixture of both embarrassment and shame, "you're too good for me."

     "you said that already, love. can i call you that?" jihoon, flushed, whispers 'yes.' "if anything, you're too good for me." and in a strand of minutes, the two lay entangled on the studio sofa, grasping each other endearingly while soft kisses passed. soonyoung starts gripping around jihoon's waist and that's when jihoon remembers he has a career he needs to keep, and a larger ego he needs even more.

     "no grab, just touch." he whispers, "no marks." and soonyoung nods, drowning in what he hopes is now his.

     (soonyoung thinks jihoon is art. his mind reminds soonyoung of clouds that dance on a sultry day. the way they illuminate with candy-coloured hues as the day comes and goes. his mind is one of a kind, and like no other. his genius is what strikes an artist to lift up their brush and concoct art on their canvas. jihoon is so, so, beautiful, but sometimes his mind gets clouded and frayed. it's a humanly thing to feel, but soonyoung wishes with every ounce of his body that this happens to him only a few times. jihoon's life is a tough one, balancing the lives of twelve other men. his eyes are the moon peaking out in between the clouds, and that's the beautiful thing about dark eyes. when the sunlight hits them just right, it's an opening to a new window of life. jihoon's eyes are something special, it's hard to explain. jihoon's heart is probably the most alluring of all. he keeps himself caged up, to only reveal a delicate interior. he can keep his cool-busan-man demeanor all he wants, but what soonyoung thinks, differs. home is where the heart is, and he unquestionably finds home with jihoon and his everything. jihoon's hands are the garden that works it enchantments. they brew out melodies that makes soonyoung, and many others, heart swell. they're so beautiful and creamy pale. soonyoung is so whipped, it's unbearably cheesy. jihoon tries to put up a front, but it's okay because soonyoung knows.)


	6. Chapter 6

_—_

_but i'm sorry,_  
_just can't explain going hickies,_  
_to someone who's just a friend._  
_and do you feel this,_  
_i'm broken all the time._

_—_

     jihoon enjoys the way soonyoung's body collapses on top of his. the way their bodies intertwine to form a cocoon of warmth and lust. it's ridiculous, but jihoon loves the way after soonyoung lets out a long line of moans, how even in such an exhausted state, he manages to lay somewhat on top of jihoon and proceed to pillow talk. what comes out of jihoon's mouth is, “get the fuck off of me, you smell.” and he has to try his hardest to suppress his hands from moving along soonyoung's distinct jawline, lovingly.

     all good things must come to an end however, but it's become small habit now. jihoon leaving close around five am back to his own bunk to lower the other twelve male's suspicions of what goes on between the two; and it's slightly disappointing every time jihoon has to lift up the covers that have clothes that were so rushed to get off only a few hours before. “do you really have to go?” soonyoung asks continuously as if he doesn't know the answer already.

     “you know if i don't, they could find out.”

     “why don't you just let them? haven't you seen junhui and minghao? you don't see them trying to hide what they are, hoonie. just stay, cuddle?”

     “soonyoung we can't.”

     “they won't know jih—”

     “soonyoung it's already dangerous as is.”

     “you keep your voice low as is. it's early, hoonie. stay. please.” the way soonyoung's voice trembles and the way he lets go of the nickname, “hoonie,” makes jihoon go stiff.

     “does it look like i want this?”

     “so... you'll st—”

     “no, soonyoung. we get up at seven for our full day schedule. get some rest.” before jihoon slips away he hears a faint, “what even are we, jihoon?” and he knows that it's his cue to leave before the tears come dribbling again.

     jihoon doesn't exactly know what he and soonyoung are. whether they're friends, friends with benefits, or reaching to be lovers; and jihoon admits to himself that he's absolutely terrified of the title “lovers.” it's too personal and he has no time, it's all a mess in his head.

     before he goes tumbling back into his own room in the clustered dorm, jihoon makes sure twice that soonyoung is asleep before he lands a small peck on his lip. a bit bruised from the way jihoon spent so much time kissing them to clamp down any chance of jihoon saying something too intimate that would make soonyoung think that they were something more than exhausted two am rejuvenations. as jihoon recedes from the room, overly pungent from their one round scandal, jihoon sighs and allows his muscles to relax. he reassured himself that he's okay, he's okay, they're okay, and as jihoon collapses within his own bed that lacked something great, he dozes off thinking of how much of a privilege it would be to love soonyoung.

     (soonyoung notices jihoon likes to claw at his back and leave a heavy trail of kisses that's sure to leave bruises up his neck when he thrusts into the other, and soonyoung doesn't know whether to take is as a sign of possessive attachment or whether jihoon just has a heavy sadistic streak. whether it's one or the other, soonyoung can't lie he loves every bit. what he's disappointed about, however, is that no matter how many times soonyoung manages to slip his tongue into the other and shower jihoon in obvious affection; mumbling praises in his ear as the bed frame creaks, no matter how many times soonyoung fondles with jihoon's body and whimpers “i love you” like a neverending mantra, he never gets an “i love you” back. he doesn't give a shit about all the “fucks” and “yes, there!” jihoon shouts while tears chase after each other onto the cheap white pillow. it's because that's bed protocol, it probably meant nothing. it's frustrating because soonyoung doesn't know where their relationship lies, and without any sign of affection from the other, he can't help but feel like a sexual rebound. but he leaves jihoon be, with much inner protest of course. jihoon tries to put up a front, and it's starting to be less okay because soonyoung isn't sure whether he knows anymore.)


	7. Chapter 7

_—_

_and your eyes aren't filled_  
_with diamonds,_  
_they're filled with lies._  
_and now i lie here dismembered,_  
_trying to remember your lips,_  
_i'm blue._

_—_

     seungcheol is the first to notice the twos odd behavior in the next few days. he trails his eyes over to jihoon, who becomes antsy and constantly flinches whenever soonyoung steps within a vicinity of his field view. he even goes forth to put his frustration out on minghao, which he never does. minghao doesn't need to be yelled at and jihoon knows that.

     soonyoung on the other hand is spiraling down more drastically than he would have configured. his deep set eye bags make his charming eyes look droopy and deceased; his once, fluid dance motives are replaced with droopy arms and constant tripping. seungcheol's what any other group leader with high expectations for his group would do. he's going to put an end to this shit.

     he knows where jihoon would be at any time of day. the studio. and soonyoung? it's randomized but he could say for the past few weeks, drawing into a month, soonyoung's been staying behind in the practice room to 'practice a new choreography.' he knows that's bullshit, but he doesn't want to deal with soonyoung first. first seungcheol had to get jihoon to spill. at the break of dawn is when seungcheol decides to strike. heading down the halls to the small room where all of seventeen's music was produced, he knocks once, twice, thrice, before he gets a, "s...soonyoung is that you?" seungcheol gulps and he could have sworn by the other tone, he had been crying.

     "sorry, it's just me." seungcheol peaked into the door and glanced at jihoon who was rested at the edge of his seat.

     "oh."

     "so, uh."

     "you want to talk about today i'm guessing?"

     "sort of. you took it bad on minghao. that was kind of a shit move on your pa—" he was cut off with jihoon clearing his throat and croaking,

     "cheol, i fucked up."

     "with soonyoung?"

     "yeah."

     "figured. you both look dead today. fuck, jihoon you're ghastly pal— wait did you take your anxiety pills today?"

     "i do everyday."

     "okay, well anyways, i just wanna chat for a bit. wanna spill about what's going on?" jihoon looked down, face flushed with a twisted look on his face. his mouth opened and closed, contemplating on what he was going to say next with deep thought.

     "cheol, you uh... you're like d...dating jeonghan right?" seungcheol's ears burn bright red as he laughs.

     "yeah, but everyone knows that." he's still laughing.

     "okay so. you're not against being gay and um. sorry, shit, i don't know. i don't think i can tell the others yet but i think i can to you, cheol."

     "okay hit me up, jihoon. i'm the leader and your friend, what's up?"

     "i love soonyoung."

     "okay, and?"

     "what do you mean and? we're both guys. we... we're idols, cheol. korea hates homosexuals, cheol. i'm scared what if people find out? what if they try to hurt soonyoung? what if they try to hurt... us." seungcheol grins and sets his head on his hands, nodding sympathetically.

     "but jihoon, does it look like i'm ashamed to love jeonghan?"

     "no..."

     "does it look like i'm constantly afraid of what would happen to us? do you think i regret this?"

     "n... no."

     "well jihoon, i do. not regret, being afraid. of course i worry everyday. fuck, jihoon, over my dead body would i want us to fall apart just because of us. that doesn't stop me though, does it?"

     "no. it doesn't."

     "see?"

     "okay. i get that but i fucked it up bad cheol." jihoon's starting to water up and seungcheol recedes back into his chair to give him space. "i told him we couldn't be all... you know, like you and jeonghan. i think he hates me." seungcheol heavily stares at what jihoon has been working on; a new song. he skims the lyrics and sighs.

     "he's just worried, like you. wait, have you guys... done it?" jihoon twiddles his fingers and shows an exasperated look,

     "so what?"

     "so what, jihoon, what the fuck. he thinks you guys are just friends with benefits. he's in love with you but he thinks you don't love him back. fuck, you're so emotionally constipated." he didn't mean to make it come out so brash, as seungcheol notices jihoon receding way back into his chair, hands held in fists against the edge of his shirt. "sorry, didn't mean it like that."

     "it's okay. i get it."

     "okay. new song?" seungcheol flicks his gaze to the screen again and jihoon gulps while nodding.

     "i hate love."

     "it'll come around jihoon. let me see the lyrics." and jihoon passes the keyboard and tilts the screen his way. it's sort of poetry, and it's alluring. it's definitely for soonyoung. seungcheol reads it to himself.

     "if we could choose who we could love,  
by no means would i hesitate to choose you.  
your mind is grey and muddled today,  
but no matter, for inside that tough exterior  
lies an interior worth more than gold.  
automobiles that blare their horns on  
repeat is no match for the siren i shout,  
confessing my love to you.  
your eyes are ablaze with a cornucopia  
of enchanting flowers.  
i will stare lovingly at them til' the end of time.  
your eyes will be an everlasting meadow  
of which i wander throughout.  
your lips are an imperishable impasto mural  
along the walls of my heart.  
they hang dry, clung around my throat,  
with fine precision.  
your throat clutches secrets like mountains  
that drive out the curiosity of mountain men.  
i am a hiker bewildered by your dolce voice.  
love isn't a decision.  
it's a feeling.  
if we could decide who we loved,  
it would be a lot more simple.  
however, a lot less fascinating."

     it's really beautiful.

     (soonyoung on the other hand lays on the cool floor of the practice room, letting the wood melt the heat off his body, as he wishes jihoon would hand him a bottle of water from the small mini fridge placed in the studio. jihoon. it's all that's been on his mind, and he tries not to cry just by thinking of it. he noticed seungcheol stroll past the room what could have been an hour ago and he feels a twinge of jealousy. seungcheol's always been close to jihoon, and soonyoung wishes it was that case for him. jihoon tries to put up a front, and soonyoung can't for sure say anything solid anymore, because he's lost his train of thought the day jihoon left his dorm room for his own.)


	8. Chapter 8

_—_

_and when you mumble that you're fine,_  
_i will stutter me too._

_—_

     seungcheol still stares at the lines of lyrics with amazement. he looks straight at jihoon who's looking down and twiddling his fingers again. he's flushed to the tip of his ears, and seungcheol doesn't understand how jihoon lets his talent go wasted in the depths of his h-drive.

     "what the fuck."

     "what do you mean... what the fuck." jihoon has panic stricken eyes.

     "no, hoon, chill. that was fucking amazing you have to... you have to show soonyoun—"

     "NO!" jihoon interrupts with a shriek. they're lucky the walls are soundproof.

     "why?" seungcheol asks cooly.

     "cheol, he hates me. i... i can't do that."

     "he loves you."

     "does not."

     "does to."

     "does not."

     "jihoon stop being like this, you're acting like a fucking wimp. that isn't the lee jihoon i know." seungcheol furrows his brows and looks sternly at the other male cowered at the edge of seat.

     "sorry."

     "you have to tell him."

     "not now."

     "then when?"

     "i don't know."

     "well we can start from telling me. jihoon, how does soonyoung even make you feel?"

     meanwhile soonyoung still lays on the practice room floor, warmth from the heater did nothing to stop his shivers as he lay motionless with his arms and legs held tightly to his chest. he had nothing anymore.

     no more entwining of their hands, no more soft whispers against their necks, no more entangled feet, and no more bright (rare) radiant smiles. if soonyoung was limited to one feeling, it would be withdrawal, and every single hour that passed drained even more life from the male. soonyoung stared at the bare corner where jihoon would sometimes hum a song while he took a dance break, and soonyoung swore he could feel the heat of tears starting to form. maybe... maybe if he closed his eyes again... maybe if he tried a little more... maybe... he could see jihoon again. in his room, staying instead of leaving at five am to return what would be another empty bed.

     jihoon who gave intertwined his hands with soonyoung. jihoon who enjoyed whispering lovely words against soonyoung's neck when he knew no one else would dare to intrude. jihoon who entangled his chilled feet against soonyoung's exceptionally warm ones. jihoon who's smile were easily comparable to an angel... it was just a voice in his head but soonyoung swore he could hear the faintest sound of a raspy busan dialect whispering...

     "hey, wanna head back now?"

     it's when he realizes that it's all in his mind, that he decides it's enough. jihoon hadn't given an acceptable reason as to why he could have been ignoring soonyoung like this. made him oh so lonely like this. wait, shit, when did he ever get so fucking clingy? he packs the rest of his items: a towel, portable charger, phone in hand, and heads up to the third floor and trots down to the room on the left corner. jihoon's studio.

     "how does soonyoung even make you feel?" seungcheol's words are reverberating in jihoon's head trying to process a reasonable answer. his heads spinning and he's so in love, he doesn't even know how to explain.

     "cheol... you don't understand. it's like— shit."

     "you don't have to rush yourself, jihoon. and trust me, jeonghan's a real catch, I understand."

     "o... okay. so... i um, soonyoung, fuck he's so beautiful, cheol. really. i don't even know how to properly explain it but i can't stop thinking about him at night. it's not even that. i start shaking. shaking, cheol. like i'm afraid of something that's already right next to me. it's not even a scary sort of tremble, it's just. fear or losing and just adoration? i just remember him being there and i want to shrivel up and wilt. sometimes, i can't even feel around him. my chest stops and i can't feel anything but my bones breathing and it's such an ugly thing... i remember the first time i saw him, cheol.

     "fuck, i remember the first time we exchanged numbers. he had nothing but a green pen so he took my hand and wrote it there, and sometime's i can see the faint trace of green scrawls along the palm of my hand. when we were sleeping together, i remember waking up at least ten minutes early just to see his face. he likes to stroke my hair when he thinks i'm sleeping and it's so gross... but endearing i guess? maybe if i just kissed him it would be alright, but it doesn't work like that. i'd do anything for him... fuck, and now i fucked this shit up like i always fucking do. always. this always happens. soonyoung doesn't care anymore. i don't mean anything to him because i blew him off so badly like that but fuck, if he told me to swim to the edge of the earth, i'd do it.

     "my smile is hydrogen peroxide, and his name burns on my tongue. it's familiar but strangely distant and i realized that whenever i went back to my own bed after leaving soonyoung's side, i would tremble. hard. the sheets made me shiver because i realized i was so used to this fucking radiating warmth coming from soonyoung, it was hard to fall back asleep. whenever we're together i swear his smile passes like a drug. i'm addicted, as his laugh flows through my veins. i don't want to keep us a secret, cheol. no one ever does, but fuck i want this to work.

     "i wonder how many fucking secrets i'll have to keep if i want this for another week and how much guilt i'll have bearing on my shoulders just for those hours we're together. his name is a song. it isn't a gunshot, or a fire, or a fire alarm. it's recognizable and oh, so fucking beautiful. i realized i fell in love such a long time ago, and fuck, i wrecked it all, cheol. i—" seungcheol clears his throat and looks back at the clearly opened door.

     "jihoon—" jihoon looks up at seungcheol who's looking at the door, which has soonyoung, wide-eyes and frozen standing at the entrance. "maybe you should tell all of this to soonyoung, not me.” and that's his cue to leave as he pats soonyoung into the room, alone with jihoon.

     (soonyoung stands bewildered, unable to think straight. does he scream? does he cry? does he do both? what was seungcheol doing here? is he rooting for him? wait, doesn't he have jeonghan? too many thoughts swirl in soonyoung's head until he realizes that he's trying to plop down on jihoon's chair. jihoon makes room for him, and soonyoung doesn't know what to do but sit. his hands are trailing along jihoon's small frame and he doesn't know what to do next. jihoon's not retaliating, but he's frozen stiff. hands trembling, head pointed down, 'fuck,' soonyoung thinks. jihoon tries to put up a front, and soonyoung thinks he's starting to get the whole picture together.)


	9. Chapter 9

_—_

_i can't decide..._  
_if this silence is because of me,_  
_or because of you._  
_i will get to work on time,_  
_and do the things i'm supposed to do._

_—_

     soonyoung, noticing jihoon won't say a word, is the first to speak.

     "so, you... like me?" soonyoung lets out a weak, uncomfortable laugh. jihoon doesn't reply but starts to sniffle, causing soonyoung to stroke up and down the others back hesitantly, hoping to comfort the other.

     "you weren't supposed to know..." jihoon croaks, and it breaks soonyoung's heart. a sudden surge of anger arises throughout his body and travels up his throat, caught.

     "what do you mean i wasn't supposed to know? this is what i wanted to jihoon. this whole fucking time, this was it. i just wanted to know whether you fucking liked me or not but you never made it fucking clear. you always left. always. it's bullshit jihoon." jihoon's quivering in his spot, but soonyoung can't seem to stop letting off his mouth.

     "you know, i love you a lot. i just want to know. i had to know. yet, you go off and fucking ignore me as if we haven't known each other this whole time. that's not very professional of you, is it?" soonyoung knows that he's rambling, and his mind swells in guilt. he's never seen jihoon this small, so open, and the sadness pierces soonyoung raw.

     "i'm scared, soonyoung. we're id—"

     "jihoon, don't idol bullshit me. i know."

     "if you know, why are you trying so hard to fucking pursuade me that we'll be okay? what if the public finds out? what then soonyoung? we can't be selfish. i, no we, have the other boys to protect. chan's only sixteen, soonyoung. when i was sixteen i got upset just because someone called me shortie—"

     "you still get upset over that." soonyoung snorts.

     "okay, you know what? but imagine this. your reputation and all that you've achieved ruined at sixteen. it's not just faint taunting, it's the whole world out to get you. homosexuals just aren't fucking tolerated here..." jihoon shakes and has the most hurt look.

     "it's changing, jihoon. little by little, the world's changing. seungcheol would be more than happy to zip his lips on jeonghan in the middle of the busiest street in seoul, what would make us so different?" soonyoung's reply comes out strained and weak, and his fists are clenched to tightly, he can feel his nails drawing blood on the palm of his hands.

     "we're not seungcheol and jeonghan, soonyoung. we're lee jihoon and kwon soonyoung. i'm lee jihoon, scared, blunt, fuck soonyoung, i'm the most emotionally constipated person you'll know." soonyoung's glare is drilling holes and jihoon's body is still; aware and unable to calm down.

     "you're kwon soonyoung. everything i'm not. you work hard to make everyone happy, even me. you're too..." soonyoung's eyes droop sadly and jihoon feels himself choking up again, "...you're too good for me." before jihoon could look up to glance at soonyoung's face, their lips are already clashing.

     their breathes are short and soft. nothing compared to the sounds that resonate from their lustrous sighs. there's nothing too sexual about this; it's soothing relief and jihoon feels homely with soonyoung's skin against his. he doesn't know how they got here but fuck, he's enjoying it. they put their uncomfortableness aside and replace it with an accepting love. soonyoung's voice, raspy from lack of breath whispers against jihoon's ear that makes him swoon.

     "you're perfect, love. perfect, perfect, perfect. fuck, you're so gorgeous jihoon. look at you, you're so, fuck." soonyoung kisses jihoon's tears away and his heart gets swept along with the soft dribble of salty tears.

     "love, i understand you're worried, and fuck, you think i want to make others happy; it's true, but there's none i would love to make happy than you." jihoon grasps soonyoung's thin shirt tightly, body trembling and struggling to keep grip on his work chair. pushing upwards, he accidentally bumps against the keyboard that drops suddenly on the ground. an echo rings but that doesn't stop the two from detaching from each other. soft acoustics and a mellow piano starts from the computer speakers and soonyoung looks up from jihoon, sadly, to see what's playing. a familiar tune starts up that makes jihoon freeze. blush rising, redder than the tint on his cheeks from loss of breath.

     "...love isn't a decision.  
it's a feeling.  
if we could decide who we loved,  
it would be a lot more simple.  
however, a lot less fascinating." the song starts from where it lasted previously.

     "there are always stars in your eyes,  
that show expectation.  
that's exactly what you are to me,  
a beautiful star that watches over me.  
flowers surround you because  
your presence is all they need for them to grow.  
you're more than what you say you are,  
your smile is my favourite by far.  
you pull your way through my heart,  
however it's always been this way from the start.  
you're breathtaking and your hair is  
wispy; clouds on midsummer's day.  
you're my gloxinia, dear love at first sight,  
now dear, i know i worry you so,  
my doubt that overcomes me at abrupt  
moments take over completely.  
it begins with a kiss, soft and supple, to  
my hand, asking for a dance.  
it becomes a full out waltz assembly soon after.  
i trip and fall along it’s feet, and doubt was  
more than willing to pick me back up.  
i became doubt. i was doubt. i always am  
going to be doubt.  
as i say these words of sweet wonder to you,  
i lay on another border between the brink  
of sanity and insanity.  
as i say these words of sweet wonder to you,  
i have yet to control my unattainable  
anxiety that sucks me dry. leaving me empty.  
during the periods i share with you,  
i am alive. it is no longer doubt that  
casts over me, ready to erupt, but pure ecstasy.  
your love is all i need, all i need.  
i'm in love with you."

     soonyoung's breathless and full of awe at the sound of jihoon's voice. it's soft and lulling with the soft acoustics in the background, and he can tell that jihoon was working early in the morning on this. jihoon's gripping tightly into soonyoung's shirt, whispering, begging, to not listen. soonyoung's eyes are stars, and his heart does pirouettes. jihoon, who's skin was as fair as snow. soonyoung glances down at jihoon, who's lip is raw from nervous biting, and it makes him look even fairer.

     "for me?" soonyoung doesn't wait for an answer as he indulges jihoon's lips with his own once more.

     "for you." jihoon pants and kisses soonyoung as if they were the only two left in existence; lips full of electricity that would beat the entirety of seoul.

     "i love you."

     "i think i love you too."

     "you think?"

     "i do love you. i love you so much, soonyoung."

     "stay this time?"

     "gladly."

     (the sun rarely shines where jihoon is but soonyoung doesn't mind building a sky of lights by hand. jihoon tries to put up a front, but soonyoung doesn't mind, because even if it troubles jihoon at times, soonyoung doesn't mind being the only one that knows. under all that self-restraint, jihoon's something really great. what's even greater is now jihoon is his.)


	10. Chapter 10

_—_

_and i don't want to love you,_  
_the way that i used to..._  
_and i don't want to love you,_  
_i'm done being used to..._

_—_

     jihoon wakes on his studio couch, which is a normal occurrence on the days he stays late working on meaningless songs for his own pleasure. soonyoung doesn't stir by his side and jihoon rubs his partly swollen eyes to take in with awe, everything that was kwon soonyoung. jihoon gently tucked himself back into the other male's arms as he drove himself back into a small nap, nestling his head in the crook of soonyoung's neck with a comforting sigh.

     skinship and domesticity has always been out of range on jihoon's part but he doesn't really mind. soonyoung's slight snoring is a steady rhythm that jihoon knows he could make a million melodies out of. the rocky busan shorelines that jihoon calls come is nothing compared to the extra pout soonyoung pulls off when he's out cold. jihoon softly hums out a song he composed a couple months back that made no particular sense, but now soonyoung was all that the song seemed to scream.

     "love, i can tell you empty-handed, but  
love, you may never say it back.  
you were never for reassurance,  
it was always unconditional.  
it was always for you, for you.  
it might take some getting used to, used to.  
i'll do anything for you, for you."

     soonyoung's abrupt kiss along jihoon's neck surprises the other, earning a startled push. soonyoung tumbles to the ground where he snickers and scoops jihoon back into his grasp.

     "love, were you singing about me?"

     "maybe i was."

     "hmm, you're too good for me my baby boy."

     "i'm not your baby boy, soonyoung. fuck that's so weird, stop giving me nicknames." soonyoung trails the insides of jihoon's shirt, stroking his back with utmost care.

     "but you are my baby boy, hoonie." soonyoung hums.

     "no, i'm a grown ass man."

     "mhm baby, yeah you are; but with me, you're my baby boy. always are." soonyoung goes on to kiss jihoon's cheek, rising up to his eyelid. "love, kiss me?" and jihoon does not hesitate to dive deep into a kiss, sloppy from their mutual grogginess, that melts them both.

     (jihoon might mention that he would prefer staying within the close confinements of his studio, alone, with nothing but his messy desk and half eaten ramyun; but really, he prefers it when soonyoung's sitting on the small couch or at the foot of jihoon's work chair, whispering small words of comfort and encouragement while tracing circles around his thigh or back. jihoon might mention that the worst possible feeling would be his anxious behavior and traces of overthinking about his position for his group, but really, he finds it most agonizing when soonyoung doesn't bother to show up at his studio late at night, or when jihoon's stress gets to him so that he raises his voice to the other, leaving soonyoung gawking uncomfortably; sadness pooling as tears, reaching towards the ground. jihoon might mention that the best feeling he's ever had would be when he got to rest and eat, but more than that, he really prefers it when soonyoung wrings him dry with soft kisses that remind jihoon of morning dew and the busan shorelines that cast out waves that shimmered through the day and granted wishes at it's sunset. jihoon tries to put up a front, but it's okay because soonyoung knows.)


	11. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> and love is to soonyoung- in other words a short epilogue post confession on how soonyoung loves jihoon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> epilogue.

—

and love is to soonyoung.

—

     being in love and dating lee jihoon is to be an artist. all soonyoung wants to do is get ahold of a paintbrush and with careful consideration and adoration, dab jihoon’s cheeks to flush himself with bright, vivid watercolour. soonyoung want to ensure jihoon’s happiness with tones of rich reds and charismatic yellows; allow his strength to grow with frugale greens and baby blues. kissing lee jihoon under the covers, in front of the practice room mirrors, the small dorm room beds, a peck backstage before a performance- anywhere- is graphitti. it gets messy and quick, splattered… but also slow and meaningful, a whole mural of sprayed lines with little meaningful “i love you’s.”

     jihoon is silk and fine satin to soonyoung. he laughs so rich and delicately with his eyes that are lustrous with exhilaration and hope. he wants to wrap jihoon in beautiful fabric and dress him like the king he is. to dress him in a silk robe spun by the richest silkworms. soonyoung is in awe of the way he sings because jihoon’s voice is one to reverberate and attract woodland animals to sing along and for the rain to come and drown out others' sorrows. let them listen to him as if he’s a phoenix perched within it's golden nest of the richest fabrics threaded by the most skilled weavers, just sing please, continue.

     when they intertwine their hands and gaze at each other as if they’re the only two in the world, jihoon is soonyoung’s galaxy. he’s so beautiful and in his eyes, planets align to greet him and in the way he moves, stars spill and follow him everywhere. soonyoung wants to line up his successes to create the constellation of lee jihoon. zip their lips under perseus, cassiopeia, cetus, cepheus… stars hang at the crevices where his dimples pop and rest in his eyes whenever he smiles so bright. stars shine at his fingertips when he writes his music. stars lunge out of his mouth whenever he speaks like a sparking meteor. jihoon is home, and soonyoung wants to engrave his name on the moon for people on earth to see. jihoon deserve that and more; he’s going to conquer it all. soonyoung hopes and promises that he’ll be by his side for those moments to come.

     there are so many things to which soonyoung thinks of jihoon, perhaps it’s jihoon who’s making him so poetic these days but he doesn’t mind because pressed against the beds they like to whisper. they whisper about the past, the present, and the future, and soonyoung likes to sound smart and charming for jihoon.

     chasing jihoon with his heart was freestyle dancing; so exhilarating and he got to release tension and emotion and he was dancing for himself and dancing for something new and jihoon was all exhilarating beauty and new emotion. soonyoung’s punch drunk, whip-lashed in love and he wonders what the future will bring. when they lay together in bed he dreams of ballroom dancing with jihoon in palaces they can’t explore right now and of flying across the oceans to see jihoon laugh in remembrance of his home and soonyoung hopes and hopes he can make it all come true. he’s a dreamer and jihoon has always held him down before he flies off and soonyoung wonders when one day jihoon wants to come and fly away with him into the stars and away from their idol lives. maybe he already does, soonyoung peers into jihoon’s eyes staring back at him so he kisses him breathless and with the most excited and exhasperated voice (he’s just so in love, let him be), he scoops jihoon’s honey apple cheeks into his hands,

     “hey, let’s fly away someday. you and me.” jihoon’s laughing but kissing him right back.

     “yes, yes, yes,” he’s repeating over and over, a mantra. it’s just now both jihoon and soonyoung don’t have a need to pull a front because they know each other so well like the back of their hands. they’re in each other’s eutopia.


End file.
